No one realizes she has anxiety because she has ventured beyond her comfort zone before. She has given speeches in front of classrooms. She has initiated conversations with strangers. She doesn’t look like she has a problem, because she has accomplished things despite the fear her anxiety made her feel at the time.
She is me.
Isa tayong kanta na napakanda sa simula
Kasama na ang mga salita na binabanggit sa bawat nota
Isa tayong awitin na nakakahila ng damdamin
Para ito’y maging mas malalim sa panahong madilim
Isa tayong musika na piniling ilikha
Ikaw ang taga sulat at ako ang taga ulat
Isa tayong kanta na masaya sa umpisa
Ngunit noong nasa gitna ay nagsitaasan na ang nota
Sa sobrang taas ay hindi ko na maabot
Pilit mang abutin ngunit ayaw pa rin
Isa tayong kanta na nagsimula sa umpisa
Ngunit hindi natapos dahil ang hininga ay kinapos
Awitin man, kanta o musika
Isa tayo sa kanila
Na hindi nabuo
Dahil ika’y wala sa tono
At ako ay sintunado
Damdaming nasaktan
Pusong iniwan
Pagkakataong tinakpan
Pag-ibig na winakasan
Akala ko ay kaya ngunit hindi pala
Tama nga sila
Wala akong mapapala
Kaya ngayo’y puso ko ay aking pinapalaya
Pero kahit ganon ay minahal padin kita
Totoo at walang duda
Buhay ko’y naging parte ka
At iyon ay di na mabubura
Pero sa kasalukuyan
Sarili ay mas papahalagahan
Sa pamamagitan ng pagtanggap
Sa samahang natuklap
I feel like I've always been this bus stop full of people at rush hour that eventually grows desolate once midnight rolls in with only sidewalk lights to watch my back. It's always been this way; I've always been like this. Perhaps this is an epic where I am the heroine, and this is my tragic flaw.
The thing is I am but rotten meat; mostly disliked, partly chomped by garbage flies. I am a complete mess, a disoriented ant, and a treehouse maiden. I really am an old, weary carousel—not even an antique—I keep on turning, my head is spinning. I feel like dying but I also have to keep on breathing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've always been a little less than a what if, almost there but I gave up halfway, the unused journals, and unread books. I should've known better than to say goodbye. I've never been good enough and you've always been more than enough. You like her, I like you but we are never bound for each other and it occurred to me, that despite how many times I hope and wish, we will never happen.
Maybe we aren't worth the could-have-been, and I think that's alright. The mere idea of your forever and my never was great. Perhaps this really is the beginning of our never after although the truth is told, I knew, ever since we met. I knew, I always knew that we'll forever be a "could have been" but never a "will."
To all the people who think psychologists read minds, let me get one thing straight; we don't.
"I think that psychology is the most interesting of all fields. It's the most interesting because it's about us. It's about the most important and intimate aspects of our lives, it's about language and perception, it's about our memory of things, it's about our dreams, love, hate, it's about morality, our sense of what's right and wrong, it's about when things go wrong, as in depression, our anxiety, it's about happiness, it's everything that matters to us." - Paul Bloom, PH.D
Update: Yes, I'm a third-year psychology major now.
Ps. I missed blogging.
I’ll be there for you.
Until you find someone better, find
someone who can give you more, I’ll
be there.
I’ll always be there.
whether it’s late at night or early
in the morning, you’ll always have me.
I know that I am not the greatest or most
talented or have the most things but I’ll
be there, until you find someone who can
do more for you.
That’s who I am, the friend that’s always
there until something better comes along.
We are the teenagers with the emptiest smiles and the loudest silence. We are the generation that you decided to never give much thought and effort to understand. We are the in-betweens of the old generation and the new. The first to experience to be scrutinized by the judging eyes of society.
We are the misfits of today's society. We're the ones expected to know what will become of us in the future, but never given the chance to spread our wings and experiment with the joys of life. We are the rebels with an unknown cause. We are the doves with shackles and chains on our ankles.
We are given few choices, too many hopes. Not a lot of chances to make on our own decisions and help us grow; too many hopes only to be crushed by deceptive fantasies and imagination gone wild.
We have come to believe that life could only be as good as a well-written book, which will eventually come to an end. We are the princes, princesses, wizards, and warriors of a story that has yet to be published for the whole world to discover.
We are teenagers who are constantly misunderstood. We are the generation that has yet to unravel.
Part of her believes that she’s made to love and be loved. She is full of scars in her soul that could only be mended by someone who cared enough to warm her frozen heart on their hands in these cold days. She wakes up with messy hair. She just wears jeans and a t-shirt. She burps too loud and she eats a lot. She has a crazy mood, like, one second she wants to be with you but in the next few seconds, she doesn’t want to see you anymore. Yet despite all these, she believes that someone is meant for her and that someone would accept every flaw that she’s been trying to hide in the world.
But the other part of her is sure that she isn’t meant to be in a relationship. She is full of insecurities that she feels less confident with her body. People tell her that she looks great and she smiles upon hearing the compliment, but at night when she’s lying alone on her bed thinking about that one guy who never even cared made her realize how ugly she is. She’s pretentious that she makes other people believe that she’s okay even if something is slowly killing her inside. She likes to be alone yet she doesn’t feel lonely at all. She has good books and hot tea mugs that she uses to cover the absence of someone who is not there to hold her heart. She even fools loneliness that she thought she’s fine just by herself. She doesn’t know how to deal with someone on an emotional level and like this, she knows no one can hurt her.
Broken and fixed. Warm and cold. Complex and divided in two completely opposite personalities who always fight to deal with each other.
I'm lost. Lost in my own world. My own magical world. A world without prejudices, hate, discrimination, cruelty and all toxic things that the people, in reality, have imposed on each other. The reason why I got lost like that is that I couldn't live in my cruel reality. A reality in which real love, no matter if it's the mother-daughter type of love, boyfriend-girlfriend, boyfriend-boyfriend etc., is hard to find. A reality in which people are so selfish all the time, so cruel, so disrespectful, full of hate that I couldn't take it anymore.
I've been lost for so long that I'm afraid I'll soak completely in that world, which no matter how beautiful it's not real and before I get lost forever I want to get out of there and face reality. Face it and try to change it, turn it into the magical perfect reality that I've been lost in. The world is wrong but it's only because of the people that live in it. If people's mindset changes, the world wouldn't be a scary place to live in but contrary it would be that wonderful world that most of us have created in our minds.
The world is full of racists, rapists, pedophiles, psychopaths, homophobes, toxic people. Let's not allow to get lost completely so these people don't rule with our world and pass on their wrong thoughts. Because the world is as it is "thanks" to parents and teachers that teach their kids wrong which later teach their kids the same and so on, non-logical, stupid thoughts are transmitted and that way the world is becoming more and more hateful and damaged.
But there are open-minded, woke people and I believe you can be one of them and I believe that everyone can be with the right people by their side. I believe in this world so I suggest believing, praying and hoping together so that we can also change the world for the better, together. But along with praying and hoping we must take actions as well. We need to speak up and try our best to help these people to get out of their toxic minds and be open minded instead, to change their way of thinking. However not all people can be changed, and the ones that can't, the ones that have done bad things oh well we need to put them to justice because right now fairness is hard to find. There are rapists, pedophiles, killers that get away with their crimes just because they are rich, white or "have people inside". Like what, doesn't it make you mad, doesn't it make you scream and fight for these people. That's why I don't wanna live in any fake magic perfect world but I wanna be strong, brave and fearless and speak up for what I believe in and create a real magic perfect world.
I am not your every morning rise
nor your every nightfall
Am I just your sometimes
or nothing at all?
Ikaw at Ako
Sa ating sariling mundo
Ngunit ako’y iniwan mo
At sa ibang mundo’y nagtungo
Kaya ako’y magpapaalam na sa mga pangako
Kaya bagong bukas ay haharapin
Ng may mga ngiti sa aking ipin
Perhaps the most madly but lovely masterpiece a person could design
is the art of sketching memories into your mind
before they go and leave you behind.
Alauna na pero iniisip padin kita
Alam kong hindi ko dapat gawin dahil ika’y wala na
Ngunit di ko mapigilan ang aking sarili na hanapin ka
Alauna na pero patuloy pading pumapatak ang mga luha
Mga luhang tumutulo sa tuwing iniisip ko ang iyong mga ginawa
Kung pwede lang ibalik ang oras, ibabalik ko ito sa simula
Sa simula kung saan tayo ay masaya pa
Alauna ang pangalan ng tula na para sayo’y ginawa
Dahil ako’y natatakot magsalita
Kaya idadaan ko nalang sa tula
Alauna na pero iniisip padin kita, sinta
I always ask myself every time that there is a burning passion inside. I have this passion for writing, poetry, photography and videography. In short, art. But what can you do with passion without having potential?
PS. I missed blogging. It has been a long time but now I'm back. (Yay!)
